I compiled a list of things that a man could say to guarantee I would NOT fall in love with him…

…and it looks strangely identical to Christian Grey’s lines from Fifty Shades of Grey

—Valerie Jane

---

Christian Grey.

I see, so you’re studying journalism as well?

As I said, I only have 10 minutes.

Please, have a seat Miss Steele.

Whenever you are.

Yes, I’m giving the commencement address at this year’s ceremony.

To what do I owe my success?

Seriously?

Business is about people, and I’ve always been good at people.

What motivates them, what incentives them, what inspires them.

I’ve always found that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The key to my success has been in identifying talented individuals and harnessing their efforts.

Oh, I exercise control in all things Miss Steele.

It’s smart business.

You don’t agree?

There are some people who say that I don’t have a heart at all.

Because they know me well.

Go on.

I enjoy various physical pursuits.

That’s a matter of public record.

Do you have an actual question, Miss Steele?

No, Anastasia. I’m not gay.

Intrusive?

What about you?

Why don’t you ask me something that you wanna know?

Cancel it please, we’re not finished here.

I would like to know more about you.

You said you’re an English major? Tell me was it Charlotte Bronte, Jane Austen or Thomas Hardy, who first made you fall in love with literature?

I would have guessed Jane Austen.

What are your plans for after you graduate?

And then?

We offer an excellent internship program.

I am.

I hope you got everything you needed.

Anastasia.

*************************************************************************************

I thought it was you.

What a pleasant surprise Miss Steele.

I was in the area on business, needed to pick up a few things.

Are you free?

Do you stock cable ties?

Please lead the way Miss Steele.

Masking tape.

No.

Of course he will.

Yes. rope.

That’s impressive.

You a Girl Scout?

So what is your “thing”?

Not today.

What would you recommend?

Or I could just take all my clothes off.

Well I guess that’s it then.

I hope she’s feeling better.

If she’d like an original, I’m around tomorrow.

Yeah.

Okay.

I’m staying locally at the Heathman.

Call me before 10:00—about the photos.

*************************************************************************************

I’m happy to help.

So is he your boyfriend?

The photographer.

I saw the way he was smiling at you.

And the guy at the store?

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You seem nervous.

You should.

Eat.

I’m used to getting my own way.

Tell me about your family.

And your mother?

Are you?

I’m sorry, I can’t.

I’ll walk you out.

*************************************************************************************

I don’t do the girlfriend thing.

Watch it!

I’m not the man for you.

You should steer clear of me.

I have to let you go.

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Anastasia.

You’re welcome. Where are you?

Anastasia have you been drinking?

Listen to me, I want you to go home right now.

That’s it.

Tell me where you are.

Which bar, whats it called?

Which bar Ana?

Stay where you are, I’m coming to get you.

*************************************************************************************

Dude, she said no.

Here.

Let’s get you home.

I’ll have Elliot tell her.

He’s my brother, he’s inside talking to her right now.

He was at my hotel with me.

Yeah. Come.

Not by choice, lets go.

She warned me to be on my best behavior.

More like threatened me.

What now?

*************************************************************************************

Good morning Anastasia.

How are you feeling?

Mmm-hmm.

I didn’t have much choice.

Necrophilia’s not my thing.

It was a novelty for me too.

You need to eat.

I had Taylor pick you up some clothes.

My driver.

Yes I did.

Yours were covered in vomit.

You shouldn’t get drunk like that.

I’m all for testing the limits but you put yourself at risk last night.

If you were mine you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.

I gotta go take a shower.

You’re here because I’m incapable of leaving you alone.

I thought I owed you an apology.

For letting you believe that I…

Listen to me.

I don’t do romance.

My tastes are very… singular. You wouldn’t understand.
*************************************************************************************

You look beautiful.

What are you doing later?

I’ll have Taylor pick you up then.

I would like to bite that lip.

I’m not gonna touch you, not

until I have your written consent.

I’ll explain later.

Come I’ll take you home.

Fuck the paperwork.

What is it about elevators?

*************************************************************************************

And we must be going, Elliot.

Elliot find your shoes, some of us have work to attend to.

I’ll see you tonight, email me if something changes.

Well call then, I know you have my number.

Laters baby.

*************************************************************************************

Good evening, Anastasia.

No escaping now.

November 1-2-2-4. Charlie Tango, ready to depart.

*************************************************************************************

Would you like a drink?

Yes.

Its a nondisclosure agreement.

It means you cannot discuss anything about us with anyone.

I’m afraid my lawyer insists on it.

Two things. First, I don’t make love.

I fuck. Hard.

Come.

Its just beyond this door.

My playroom.

Its important you know that you can leave at any time.

I meant what I said, the helicopter is on standby to take you whenever you wanna go.

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Its called a flogger.

Say something please.

I do this to women. With women.

Women who want me to.

I’m a dominant.

It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me.

To please me.

I have rules, if you follow them, I’ll reward you.

If you don’t, I’ll punish you.

Yes.

Me.

*************************************************************************************

If we were to do this, this would be your room.

You can decorate it however you like.

Not full time, just Friday through to Sunday.

We can negotiate the particulars.

No I’d be downstairs.

I told you I don’t sleep with anyone.

I would understand completely.

This is the only sort of relationship I have.

Its the way I am.

I already have a contract prepared.

It’s fairly detailed.

You would review, and negotiate what you are and not willing to try.

Well when you’ve had sex, was there anything that you didn’t like doing?

We have to be honest with each other for this to work, okay?

What do you mean?

You’re still a virgin?

I’ve just shown you…

You’ve done other things right?

Where have you been?

Men must throw themselves at you.

You’re biting your lip.

Rectifying the situation.

*************************************************************************************

You’re energetic this morning.

Very.

Lets get you cleaned up.

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Do you trust me?

Stay here.

Hold out your wrists.

Hold them there. You understand?

Tell me you understand.

Good girl.

Stay still.

Say yes.

To being mine.

Shit.

Its my mother.

Get dressed.

*************************************************************************************

It’s fine I know how she can be.

Mother, Anastasia Steele.

Ana, meet my mother, Dr. Grace Trevelyan Grey.

What happened to calling before dropping by?

I can’t today, I have to drive Ana home.

Its okay, take it. I was just showing mother out.

We’ll see mother.

*************************************************************************************

Everything okay with the phone call?

She’s excited.

She’s never seen me with a woman before.

That was a first.

What is it Ana?

Fifteen.

I told you before, if you want out…

The red room is much more about pleasure.

I promise you.

That’s not really my thing.

Try to keep an open mind.

If you agree to be my submissive, I will be devoted to you.

This is what I want.

And I want it with you.

Try not to get hung up on the sleeping arrangements.

If you agree to do this, you’re gonna want your own room.

I don’t wanna do this here, lets talk downstairs.

*************************************************************************************

All of them.

Lets go for a walk.

One of my mother’s friends.

I was 15.

I was her submissive for six years.

Of course not.

No one in my family knows about this…part of me.

Mrs Robinson? I’ll tell her you said that.

She’ll love it.

On occasions. We’re friends.

Ana. I know how intimidating this is.

I felt the same at first.

By giving up control, I felt free from responsibility, from making decisions.

I felt safe.

You will too, you’ll see.

I never took anyone in the helicopter.

Never had sex in my own bed.

Never slept next to anyone.

Ever. Only you.

*************************************************************************************

This is the contract.

Read it carefully.

Email me if you have any questions.

Just consider it okay?

I really hope you say yes.

Laters baby.

*************************************************************************************

The following are the terms of a binding contract between the dominant and the submissive.

The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely.

The dominant and submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs

under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract.

The submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the dominant, excepting those activities outlined in HARD LIMITS.

The submissive agrees to procure oral contraception from a physician

of the dominant’s choosing.

The submissive will not enter into sexual relations with anyone other than the dominant.

The submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and well-being

from a prescribed list of foods.

The submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, or take recreational drugs.

The submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the dominant, and shall only address him as Sir, Mr Grey, or such other title as the dominant may direct.

The submissive may not touch the dominant, without his expressed permission to do so.

The safe word “yellow” will be used to bring the attention of the dominant

that the submissive is close to her limit.

When the safe word “RED” is spoken, the dominant’s actions will cease completely and immediately.

Does the submissive agree to be restrained, with hands bound?

Does the submissive consent to being blindfolded?

Does the submissive consent to be gagged?

How much pain is the submissive willing to experience?

*************************************************************************************

Its been nice knowing me has it?

Let me remind you, how nice it was.

Is this what you want?

Don’t make a sound.

Was this nice?

*************************************************************************************

What are you doing to me?

Speaking of which…

I told you.

I don’t sleep with anyone.

*************************************************************************************

That’s a hell of a sack Miss Steele.

I’ve done this before.

Business meetings I mean.

Miss Steele. Your meeting.

An oversight. Duly noted.

With you.

I’m all ears.

Are you sure?

Yep.

Consider them gone.

My staff know only what

I choose to tell them.

Please resume, Miss Steele.

Hanging on ropes from the ceiling.

For your pleasure.

And mine… something to consider.

Cable ties.

Can I just say how impressed I am

with your commitment to this meeting?

And in that spirit, I’m gonna throw in a sweetener.

How about, once a week, on a night

of your choosing, we go on a date?

Just like a regular couple. Dinner, movie, ice skating.

Whatever you want.

I’ll suggest it in Appendix 5.

I would like to fuck you into the middle of next week.

I never have.

You wanna leave?

But your body tells me something different.

Your legs for instance.

The way you’re pressing your thighs together under the table.

The change in your breathing, and in your complexion.

You’re flushed.

It’s the adrenaline.

First, I would help you out of that little dress of yours.

And I’d be pleased to discover that you are naked underneath.

Then I would bend you over.

Yes.

Yes.

You’re sure I can’t persuade you to stay?

When will you know?

*************************************************************************************

Why do I think you’re telling me goodbye?

*************************************************************************************

Thank you. I am deeply moved by the great

compliment accorded to me today.

Sustainable methods of farming for third world countries.

The goal? To help eradicate hunger and poverty across the globe.

I myself have known what its like to be profoundly hungry.

So this is a very personal mission for me.

Congratulations, you must be very proud.

Truthfully, its become my favorite.

Do you have your answer yet?

Anastasia, just try it my way. Please.

What?

Congratulations.

*************************************************************************************

Great pleasure to meet you.

Thank you sir.

A few weeks now, we actually met when Anastasia interviewed me for the student newspaper.

Uh, excuse us a moment.

*************************************************************************************

To celebrate your graduation, among other things.

Roll your eyes at me again and I will take you across my knee.

So it begins.

Come on, I’ve got something to show you.

*************************************************************************************

It’s not. Happy graduation, Anastasia.

You don’t miss much do you?

Do you like it?

I told Taylor to fetch a decent price.

Did you just roll your eyes at me?

*************************************************************************************

Do you know why I’m doing this?

And is that polite?

Excuse me?

Do you want more?

Welcome to my world.

There a few things at the office

which require my attention.

You okay?

I enjoyed tonight.

I’ll see you at my place tomorrow.

*************************************************************************************

I’ve seen it, not a bad picture.

Well it must be true, if it’s in the paper.

So how did it go with Dr. Greene?

What?

I wanna take you to my playroom.

I’m well aware. Call it due diligence.

*************************************************************************************

You ready?

Eyes down. Take off your shoes.

Arms above your head.

You have a beautiful body Anastasia.

I want you unashamed of your nakedness, do you understand?

You’re biting your lip, you know what that does to me. Turn around.

When I tell you to come into this room

This is how you’ll be.

You’ll wait for me.

Kneeling by the door. Do it now.

Hands flat on your thighs.

Good.

Hold out your hand.

Did that hurt?

You see?

Most of your fear is in your head.

Come.

How does that feel?

Quiet.

*************************************************************************************

Remember my mother mentioned dinner?

My sister Mia’s in town.

You got everything you need?

Dance with me.

*************************************************************************************

Ana, mother, you’ve met.

This is my father, Carrick.

This is news to me.

When were you gonna tell me?

Actually I promised Ana a tour of the grounds.

Excuse us.

*************************************************************************************

When were you gonna tell me about Georgia?

Yeah but I am mad. Palm-twitchingly mad.

You’re mine. All mine.

Understand?

Ana.

I want you.

I know you are.

If you would just sign the

contract you wouldn’t have…

Of course I do.

I’m not.

Hearts and flowers?

That’s not something I know.

Ana please… its you that is changing me.

I had a rough start in life.

That’s all you need to know.

*************************************************************************************

The woman who gave birth to me, was a crack addict and a prostitute.

She died when I was four.

I remember certain things.

Terrible things.

I don’t remember her.

Sometimes, I can see her in my dreams.

Do you really have to go to Georgia?

*************************************************************************************

Mrs. Adams.

Delighted to meet you.

Gin and tonic.

Hendrix if you have it, otherwise Bombay Sapphire.

Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with Bombay.

I came to see you.

We’ll let it go, lets not talk about the contract right now.

She’s a friend, that’s all.

I confide in her. She knows me.

Well I’m here.

I’ve got a room in this hotel.

What are you doing for breakfast tomorrow?

*************************************************************************************

It’s a surprise.

We’re almost there.

*************************************************************************************

How do you do? This is my girlfriend, Anastasia Steele.

Well? Release.

Hold on tight.

Is this more?

*************************************************************************************

Well we aim to please Miss Steele.

I don’t. Ana.

Grey. What? When?

Tell Stefan to have the plane ready.

I’ll be on the tarmac in 30 minutes.

I have to go back to Seattle. Come, I’ll take you home.

*************************************************************************************

Well that’s not gonna work.

When?

Well tell them they don’t have 24 hours.

That is unacceptable. I need to know.

Just keep me informed.

Nothing that concerns you.

No.

No, that’s the last thing I want.

I want you to be in the playroom in 15 minutes.

*************************************************************************************

What are your safe words?

Remember those.

*************************************************************************************

Like normal people?

Fuck the contract, I think its a little redundant don’t you?

No. The rules stand.

Then there’ll be consequences.

Yes.

Ana.

I would never do anything to you, that you couldn’t handle.

If I told you, you’d never look at me the same way again.

Yes.

I wanna punish you right now.

No. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t need to.

Ana stop.

Because it’s the way I am!

Because I’m 50 shades of fucked up.

*************************************************************************************

Are you sure about this?

Bend over.

I’m gonna hit you six times.

And you’re gonna count with me.

Count, Anastasia.

Ana.

*************************************************************************************

Please don’t hate me.

No, you are everything that I want.

No. No, Ana, you can’t love me.

*************************************************************************************

Taylor already sold it.

I’ll send you a check.

Taylor will take you home.

Ana.